Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
