I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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