there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize