Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
