P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
