You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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