one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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