If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
