So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
