; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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