we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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