hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
