We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
