I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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