I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
