First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Randomize
