I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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