Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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