We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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