i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
