I faked an abortion last night.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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