whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
barbara walters just said penis...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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