Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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