i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize