how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
