She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
