Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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