All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
