Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
