the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Are my feet made of real feet?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
