Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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