Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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