He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
