Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
