did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
