I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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