Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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