I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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