Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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