how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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