it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
