That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
