got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
