shes about as inviting as chlamydia
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
