I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
