Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize