I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
