My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
