I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
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