how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
