Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Randomize
