If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
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