at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
