Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
