Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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