Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize