your parents love me but you hate me
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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