the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize