and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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