i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i think my cat just said my name.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
