did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
