A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
