I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
